Starbucks Ruined Christmas

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Starbucks, once again you have come out with your holiday cups, and once again  Christmas is completely ruined.

In what has become an annual freakout for me over your cups, this year takes the cake (umm, scone).  Your cups will probably end my ministry.  Your coffee cup seared my brain, stripped my soul of color, and leaves me completely without words and unable to preach all month.

There is no point of me preaching any of December anyway, because without a bombard of green and red at every turn I am sure my entire flock, drinking from these almost colorless “holiday” cups, will completely forget Christmas, and miss church.  They will surely be at home coloring their black-and-white cups, you evil coffee brainwashing monsters!

I got really mad yesterday when my conservative brothers in Christ (no sisters allowed!) pointed out to me on Twitter how these cups are a complete abomination of gayness.  Your cups embrace a gay agenda with those two gender-neutral hands holding.  Your assault on Christmas has begun again!

You and your gay agenda, Starbucks!  How dare you have those two hands holding.  No one will have a take-away of love, because they will be so distracted by the lack of gender.  That’s what everyone sees, straight away.  They don’t see the heart in between.  Their minds go right to sex.

When I pointed out the lack of clear gender identity to my child, she muttered something under her breath about how I was getting hysterical again over nothing, but I could see it in her eyes.  She became a lesbian the exact moment you forced this cup on me.  You have that kind of power.  Our impressionable youth!  Think of the children!  This obvious assault on traditional family values leaves me speechless, as you can see.

And then there is your intentional design which encourages customers to “add their own color” as you put it.  This leaves me absolutely no power as a pastor.  How am I supposed to control my people if they are encouraged to think for themselves?  Freedom and independence were not principles this country was founded on!  And how dare you, especially at this time of year, when the Pilgrims came along and saved the “Indians” from a life of freedom and independence and helped them see the joy of cholera, control, and stuffed turkeys.

I personally was held captive by the busy details of that evil, colorless, cartoon cup.  It had me longing for your all red cups of 2015, when your War on Christmas was just in 1st gear.  In 2015 you started my brainwash.  I sat the whole month muttering “red, red, red” unable to function the entire Advent season.

Our President promised we would be able to say Christmas again, but with you naming them as “holiday” cups, our hands are once again tied.  Stripping them almost completely of color without even a picture of a little baby Jesus to guide me or at least the word Christmas, my Christian faith has completely evaporated.

I dream of the day when I can type or say Christmas once again.

“We know the holidays mean something different to everyone.” Really, Starbucks?  I thought it was about one thing, and one thing only – the little baby Jesus buying me Christmas presents.  Or was that Santa?  (First you disrupted my already weak faith with your sugary drinks, and now this holiday stunt – I MEAN CHRISTMAS stunt!  This is obviously  just a ploy to sell me more over-priced drinks, you greedy capitalist pigs.  You are 100% responsible for me being completely flustered to the point I can’t distinguish between Santa and Jesus.  I have no responsibility in this whatsoever.  It is all someone else’s fault.)  You got me off topic.  Everyone should just believe and do as I say.  There, everyone’s the same.  Problem solved.

To make matters worse, I am horrified that you have an illustration of a decorated tree, but without labeling it as a CHRISTMAS tree I am assuming it is a pagan tree.  In fact, the whole cup is cluttered with Christian symbols like doves and stars, but you didn’t label them!!!  Shame on you!  It is your job to give me something to read, so while I am sipping my coffee I don’t have to read anymore about pedophiles, politics, tax scams, or things that matter.

With your direct assault on Christmas, I just know you intended that unlabeled tree as a Viking evergreen tree to the sun god Balder.  You ruined that part of Christmas too.  Now every time I walk into the front living room, I will be forced to see our tree as a Viking sun god tree, all because of your mind-controlling cup.

You have completely ruined Christmas!

I hope and pray next year you will take all this into consideration.

This year’s “Stop Complaining and Get Your Crayons” cup was supposed to calm me down for sure, but only succeeded in revving me up.  Should have given me decaf, Starbucks.

-Matt

The Rev. Dr. Matt Meinke is a Presbyterian minister who has obviously had too little or too much coffee this morning, and when he is not writing things tongue-in-cheek, his Morning Reflections follow the lectionary Bible readings much more closely.  His congregation of independent-thinking, enlightened followers of Christ is in Duncan, Oklahoma.

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3 thoughts on “Starbucks Ruined Christmas

  1. Too much caffeine this morning Matt! Androgynous people are not a problem as they find their way to church at Christmas just like other twice a year people. I used a Post oak tree for Christmas and decorated it with miseltoe for many years. That didn’t hurt my Christianity and this cup won’t either.

    Liked by 1 person

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